After reading this, I believe we have the same, or a very similar condition. I was diagnosed in 2012, with what was called “Treatment Resistant” Major Depressive Disorder, and is now called Persistent Depressive Disorder. For me, the therapists have decided that it all started around age 8 or 9 years old. Despite having quite regular incidents of “suicidal ideation” (I swear that is spelled correctly, I double checked it) my Psychiatrist seems to be ignoring my need for more than the medications he prescribes. I struggle between giving up on having my HMO meet the needs of my conditions or moving forward with anger and legal support to force them to step up.
Mostly I just wanna say that I truly understand the struggle. You may be the first person I have met (via reading your post) that explains it in a manner that is familiar to my brain. I was afraid to post anything, thought you might call me “Snowflake” and I would obsess over “why?” Then I saw where it came from and felt slow and silly simultaneously. Still better than feeling worthless on my own, so I persisted.